At the beginning of the year we were looking forward to moving and renting a place of our own again (after spending the previous 2 years Airbnb-ing around Europe), we got all our stuff out of storage and moved to Salisbury. We set up the front room as our studio and I got a job working at Flying Tiger while planning on working on Outlaws and Skeletons.
Summer is a blur to me now, all I remember is we had a good time, enjoyed the sunshine and our little home.
Then after a few ‘signs’ I did a pregnancy test…we were using protection and not trying for a baby. It was positive. I was shocked, Mr was shocked and really happy. We had to wait a week to find out how far along I was, we had guessed 10-12 weeks, turned out it was 7, what a relief. We had a whole strip of pictures and stuck them up on our wall. We started to make plans and we were very excited to become parents in 2018.
At our 12 week scan the baby was wriggling around and was so much bigger…but at the end of the scan we heard ‘there’s something wrong’. As I was wiping the jelly off and buttoning myself back up I felt completely empty inside. My world shifted and slowly started to shatter. Tests were done, we sent to another hospital a week later for more tests which they didn’t even need to do, they could tell straight away the baby had no chance of survival. The baby was still wriggling around and kicking and punching. We were heartbroken. Two days later I was taking a tablet. Two days after that and at 14 weeks pregnant I spent a 12 hours in labour.
So that brings me to now. I am so sad about what has happened and struggle with the what ifs and ‘I should be this far along now’. I am starting to regain a little sliver of hope for the future and that we can have a baby at some point.
So much can change in a year and it can be one moment or many that change your life in that year for better/worse/something. I am looking forward to leaving this year behind and to making plans for a whole new year and creating some exciting moments for myself.
I hope that if you have had a tough year/bit of the year that you can keep on fighting for what you want out of life and not let it stop you chasing your dreams.
Next post: What I want and hope for in 2018.